loosing love

Those were the longest nights of my life, a week of crying and asking myself where i had gone wrong.. I did not stop working by the way, i had to keep myself busy, i had to turn my attention on something otherwise i might loose it... the building where i work has a loft on the 9th floor, during break time or every time i would feel depressed i would go up there and just cry and cry myself out....and after office i would ride a jeep and cry myself out till i reach home not minding the other passengers who would occasionally glance at me... i also had to cry silently and privately at the middle of the night coz i'm avoiding that i would wake up somebody else.. i had no one during those times but myself, i could not tell my friends nor my family what had happened,i could not tell them yet. only my officemates knows what i was going through at those times i'm so thankful that they were very understanding of my situation...

It was only after a week that husband decided to see me.. he was like a stranger already.. he was still seeing the girl according to him and he has no intention of leaving her... he even blamed me for what he has done. he said that i had pushed him to find someone else.. he blamed me for not giving him enough attention.. he blamed me for not loving him as much as the girl was loving him... those words killed me over and over again... as if he had stubbed my heart a million times...

Remembering all these scenes makes me feel the hurt again... Ofcourse, again i begged, for the second time i begged for him not to leave... i begged him not to leave me and our daughter...i did not get any answer.. After that night he stayed with a relative and i was like a fool who followed him wherever he went, i would always call him and asked him where he was or where he's going...i was tryng to save a marriage and a family...i asked him to see our daughter for the hope that he will change his mind... but i guess he was really not meant to stay.

The next day, he said goodbye to Erica. She was just a year old and she didn't know that that day could be the last day that she will ever see her dad again... Husband carried her and hugged her, it was a very painful sight... i was holding back my tears while watching them... How could he leave us just like that.. How could he leave our daughter behind... Where did all the love go, the promises of love and of a good life together... He started walking and never looked back...

promises and lies..

So there, we met and talk a bit.. That scene was very awkward.. I swear if I had to do it all again i would definitely skip that part.. I'm not so good with confrontation.. i am very emotional and such a cry baby.. But i guess my love for my family gave me the strength to go over it..

Girl told me that she did not plan for it to happen, she just woke up one day and the affair was there already, that she was inlove with husband.. Said she tried so hard to resist temptation but she was too deeply involved already.. I asked her when it all started, when did the cheating started exactly? Girl said she really cannot recall.. she by the way has a long time boyfriend of 10 years.. it's quite confusing since the boyfriend was with her just the last summer (coming home every 10 months, a Mariner..) the affair could have started a few months after or maybe even before the boyfriend came home..

I asked her to go away.. no! i actually begged her to stay away from my husband.. i begged her to stay away from my family.. that she does not need my husband but my child and i do! that she would have a better life with another man that could marry her and that man is not my husband! i hated myself for doing that but it was the only thing i could do to keep my family, to save my marriage. i had to beg my enemy to stay away...

Girl promised that she'll go and not see husband ever again, that she knows she's the homewrecker and that she should be the one to leave...she even said that she'll asked husband not to leave us, whew!

Deep in my heart i know i couldn't trust her nor believe in her but i was hoping against hope that she was going to do as she had promised.. that the friend in her would actually do the right thing..

after that night i never saw her again, nor heard of her again but ofcourse it was not the end of her for she had continued to haunt my thoughts and she would be in my bad dreams during the darkest nights of my life...

Sunset, my self retreat!

Sunset refreshes me.. 

Wow! Two consecutive Monday holidays.... what a treat! After two long weekends and a week of mindblowing FS closing... i actually manage to think twice if i was doing right... blogging my life away... so i resorted to my usual self retreat.. watching sunset and counting stars.. what a treat for free... after that refreshing self retreat, i felt it was just right to share my life story.. i wanted to share it not not degrade my offender but to make them realize that true love does not have to hurt lots of people...

Confrontation

After sometime when there were no more tears to shed, feelings has gone numb.
I never thought it would come to that stage when I had to face her....
there she was standing at the railings of a restaurant, a place where we agreed to meet..........
i walked towards her and there we just stared at each other unable to utter any word....
finally, we sat down,

"WHY?" those were the only words that i was able to say.....

she started crying and reached for my hand... and said "SORRY"....

she was the same girl i used to call sister, those expressive eyes, who would have thought that underneath that sweet smile and innocent face lies a t-r-a-t-o-r , a home-wrecker.... what other degrading description can i possibly say to describe her....

the woman who broke my heart...
the woman who wrecked my home.....
the woman who've hurt my entire family.....
and the woman who left my (then 1 year old) daughter, fatherless....

Is saying "SORRY" ever enough.....

memories of years ago

It was August 23, I was cleaning her up and getting ready for bed after a very busy day with her playmates , it's her 9th birthday, when she started asking questions. We would always have those mom & daughter pep talks... when she asks I would spontaneously reply... she started with the usuals.... then i would answer asusual... then she began...... "Mom, does some Dad's don't like children?" .... without thinking I answered... "Ofcourse not! all Dad's love their children!...... then she replied.... " But not MY DAD!"..... I was taken aback , got my tongue tied and froze..... I had to pause for a while to held back the tears that treatens to roll down....She was beginning to understand, not seeing her father, not even phone calls, so I needed to tell her something... So I held her hand and hugged my dear daughter.... I said... "Ofcourse not baby, Dad loves you so much, maybe he's just busy with his life now... " and then I smiled and asked her, "Are you not happy?".... She smiled back, "Ofcourse I'm happy mom with you and inang(grandma) and tatang(grandpa)... But there was something in her eyes.... pain.....



It was 7 years and 6 months ago.... I was in the office as usual, my husband was in Cebu trying his luck... in two months time we're going to leave the city life and join him in the province.. it was what he wanted and I had to submit... the phone rang... it was my darling... it was all so vague, the only clear words that I heard were "I'm leaving you" ..... and then later on I had learned that he was seeing this girl ... a girl I know so well, she was a friend, and even a sister at one point in our lives, she's my daughters' God-mother.....



The pain was more intense because of the betrayal... there was no word to describe how I felt that moment.... it was pure grief, hatred and pain....



That was 7 years and 6 months ago.... but it's like only yesterday.....