On Christmas 2008, daughter was surprised to receive a package from her dad… it was a Barbie doll… the address was from his very recent workplace…
That gave me much thought… was he starting to reach out at last…?!
By January 2009, we went to my in-laws place to attend the Sto. Nino festivities where all their grandchildren are hermana… As expected, husband was not there, MIL said that he didn’t even went home during Christmas and New Year…. He became more distant than before… we were also told that he was not seeing his 2nd family and was seeing a new girl…
MIL said that I had my vengeance already…
What happened to me happened to the girl but on a different situation, she did not know the new girl of husband.. and she was not betrayed by her friend….
They say that never do unto others what you would not have them do unto you… I guess its true…. For it has happened to her…
But if truth be told, I was not happy with that news… it saddened me to know that they fell apart and what they had was not for real and forever…. All our sacrifices and hurts were all wasted… All my heartaches was for nothing…. I really felt that it could have been better if I saw them happy and growing old together for it must have been faith that paved their way together. I was always thinking that maybe he was not the one meant for me….. that maybe the two of them are the ones destined. Now, I don’t know what to think anymore… but one thing is for sure…
What goes around comes around… so lesson learnt…. be careful with your actions now for it might fire back anytime sooner than you would expect….
Friday, April 23, 2010
Time heals all that is wounded
Forgive and forget…. Is easier said than done…. Friends tried to help me recover by taking me out more often than usual…. They would also constantly introduce me with other guys,, as they say… to forget a lost love is to find a new one….
I became more visible in social gatherings.. meeting up new peers and trying out new things…I did try to go out with other guys but I guess I was really old school when it comes to relationship…. I was not at ease going out with somebody else on a date knowing that I was already married (separated at least, huh!)… That thought prompted me to stop making myself believed that I would actually move on by finding someone else…
I then realized that I had to start with myself first if I wanted to move on… I had to love myself more and find happiness within me and not from anybody else… and ofcourse there was daughter to take care of….
From there.. daughter and I spent our days and months and years just loving and caring for each other… Husband never made any effort in communicating with daughter, not even on the most important days of her life…. Birthdays… Christmas…. New Year…. School activities…. He made sure that his absence was felt….
In 2008, I figured that I was already ok and that I have moved on and ready to communicate with husband… I had to put a closure to our animosity and was hoping to have a civil relationship if not friendship with him…. It was on his birthday (February 2008) that I made effort in communicating with him… I said “Happy birthday”… As expected my number was not in his phonebook… so he answered “Thank you but who is this?..... I went like “This is Joy…”, he goes “oh! Thank you”…. Then I said “you know it has been years since, can we let the past be bygones and maybe we could be friends again for the sake of daughter…..” it was a moment before he answered and it goes “Sure, no probs!.....” that’s it and then nothing….. OMG! After my winning speech of “the past and bygones” all he could ever think of to say is “sure, no probs! Huh!
That's it i give up! … why did I ever expect that somehow after all the years that has passed he would eventually changed and somehow feel the need to be a father to daughter….
He was still the same guy I married… well, I guess people doesn’t change over the years….
Time does heal all wounds but it cannot change attitude….
I became more visible in social gatherings.. meeting up new peers and trying out new things…I did try to go out with other guys but I guess I was really old school when it comes to relationship…. I was not at ease going out with somebody else on a date knowing that I was already married (separated at least, huh!)… That thought prompted me to stop making myself believed that I would actually move on by finding someone else…
I then realized that I had to start with myself first if I wanted to move on… I had to love myself more and find happiness within me and not from anybody else… and ofcourse there was daughter to take care of….
From there.. daughter and I spent our days and months and years just loving and caring for each other… Husband never made any effort in communicating with daughter, not even on the most important days of her life…. Birthdays… Christmas…. New Year…. School activities…. He made sure that his absence was felt….
In 2008, I figured that I was already ok and that I have moved on and ready to communicate with husband… I had to put a closure to our animosity and was hoping to have a civil relationship if not friendship with him…. It was on his birthday (February 2008) that I made effort in communicating with him… I said “Happy birthday”… As expected my number was not in his phonebook… so he answered “Thank you but who is this?..... I went like “This is Joy…”, he goes “oh! Thank you”…. Then I said “you know it has been years since, can we let the past be bygones and maybe we could be friends again for the sake of daughter…..” it was a moment before he answered and it goes “Sure, no probs!.....” that’s it and then nothing….. OMG! After my winning speech of “the past and bygones” all he could ever think of to say is “sure, no probs! Huh!
That's it i give up! … why did I ever expect that somehow after all the years that has passed he would eventually changed and somehow feel the need to be a father to daughter….
He was still the same guy I married… well, I guess people doesn’t change over the years….
Time does heal all wounds but it cannot change attitude….
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Forgiveness is not amnesia....
That was it… I was back again to zero… all along I thought I was all over it… over him…. That moment proved me wrong..
Recalling the time when I told my family about husband leaving us… I first called mom and ate in the room.. dad was looking at us with a questioning look. I said girl’s talk… ofcourse I had to start with the girls and I’ll just let mom tell the guys.. I didn’t know where to start then.. I was afraid of my mom’s reaction. Our family is a close knit one and there were no broken homes within the clan.. I’ve laid down all the cards, poured my emotions to my hearts content…… after that we were all crying… but you know what hurts the most… it was the pain that I saw in my mom’s eyes, she was hurting for me…. I couldn’t take it.. I was so guilty putting my mom in that kind of situation, giving her that kind of emotion….
Now.. I was faced with the same dilemma.. how I could I tell my family that husband had another child… though it was something that I was actually expecting but knowing it actually happened and seeing it happened was painful… I then realized that I was not ready for it…
I actually printed the childs photo and showed it to mom.. i said it was husband’s son, mom hugged me tight as if saying its ok and that everything’s gonna be fine… she hid the picture and did not discuss about it anymore… I also asked her not to mention anything to daughter until such time when she is ready to understand…
I did gave forgiveness to husband and her long before, but the pain still is there and the hurting remains…….
Afterall, Forgiveness is not amnesia…
Recalling the time when I told my family about husband leaving us… I first called mom and ate in the room.. dad was looking at us with a questioning look. I said girl’s talk… ofcourse I had to start with the girls and I’ll just let mom tell the guys.. I didn’t know where to start then.. I was afraid of my mom’s reaction. Our family is a close knit one and there were no broken homes within the clan.. I’ve laid down all the cards, poured my emotions to my hearts content…… after that we were all crying… but you know what hurts the most… it was the pain that I saw in my mom’s eyes, she was hurting for me…. I couldn’t take it.. I was so guilty putting my mom in that kind of situation, giving her that kind of emotion….
Now.. I was faced with the same dilemma.. how I could I tell my family that husband had another child… though it was something that I was actually expecting but knowing it actually happened and seeing it happened was painful… I then realized that I was not ready for it…
I actually printed the childs photo and showed it to mom.. i said it was husband’s son, mom hugged me tight as if saying its ok and that everything’s gonna be fine… she hid the picture and did not discuss about it anymore… I also asked her not to mention anything to daughter until such time when she is ready to understand…
I did gave forgiveness to husband and her long before, but the pain still is there and the hurting remains…….
Afterall, Forgiveness is not amnesia…
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
pain unexpected
I thought then that finally I’ve come to forgive and forget… it has been a few years after loosing husband. That was in year 2002. Daughter and I just went on with our lives having each other, getting strength from one another. We would occasionally see husband, or shall I say a once a year occasion. My in-laws would make it a point that we visit them once a year, we cannot say no because the invitation would come with the plane tickets already… Well, I never did broke the tie with my loving in-laws, they would always extend constant phone calls and gifts for my daughter. I felt that somehow they were trying to fill in the spaces that was supposed to be for husband. The once a year meet up never did help us in bridging the gaps, we were there pretending not to see each other, he would not go to a room where I was and he will not eat with the family until I was with them… At first, it was a painful encounter and everyone around us would feel the tension but through the years I’ve learned to control my emotions and just go along with the flow as all his relatives would tell me.. They’ve all been very supportive and caring..
MIL would always update me of what ‘s happening with husband’s life, I never did have the heart to stop her because I know that she was hoping that somehow things would be well again between husband and I… In June 2005, we visited them to attend the wedding of BIL, ofcourse, husband was there. It was the usual deadmahan between us(anyway it would only last for a week)..
By July , when we were back in Manila, I’ve learned about a social networking called friendster, one of my friends invited me to join. Said that it was fun and that I will be able to connect with old friends…. I was searching for friends when I felt the need to see if husband has an account. So, the usual, I’ve searched for his name and whalllahhh… the results showed his account but with a baby picture on it… the caption read “Bi----- at 4”….. I felt numb… it was the same feeling I had, when he said that he’ll leave us…..
My world suddenly crashed again, my visions became blurred and tears just started rolling….... I felt the pain so intense…. My heart torn in pieces….
He had another child, with her.
How could he father another child when he was never a father to our daughter........
MIL would always update me of what ‘s happening with husband’s life, I never did have the heart to stop her because I know that she was hoping that somehow things would be well again between husband and I… In June 2005, we visited them to attend the wedding of BIL, ofcourse, husband was there. It was the usual deadmahan between us(anyway it would only last for a week)..
By July , when we were back in Manila, I’ve learned about a social networking called friendster, one of my friends invited me to join. Said that it was fun and that I will be able to connect with old friends…. I was searching for friends when I felt the need to see if husband has an account. So, the usual, I’ve searched for his name and whalllahhh… the results showed his account but with a baby picture on it… the caption read “Bi----- at 4”….. I felt numb… it was the same feeling I had, when he said that he’ll leave us…..
My world suddenly crashed again, my visions became blurred and tears just started rolling….... I felt the pain so intense…. My heart torn in pieces….
He had another child, with her.
How could he father another child when he was never a father to our daughter........
Acceptance
It would always come to that stage where you will realize how much you have given up and how much you have lost… and until you’ve accepted that fact … you will never gain…
That’s how I’ve learned the bitter truth… I was always in denial… well I guess it’s part of that stage they call moving on… 1st is denial (been there), 2nd is blaming oneself (been good at it), 3rd is loosing yourself (walked thru it with flying colors) and then 4th is realizing how foolish you are and that is when you need to accept… that’s where I am at that time….
I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ve lost a husband and that he’ll never come back… it was a tough time.
i’ve resorted every means to find my peace of mind. A friend had since convinced me to join a group of people, an LSS group at ST. James Parish in Ayala Alabang. I felt it was just so timely then… The group was then re-grouped to small pax of 4 or 5, my group was headed by Tita Lita whom we called shepherd, we were the lambs (members). Another co-shepherd was Tita (we call her Tita Tita, haha), they say God works in mysterious ways, I guess He does. Tita Tita is also separated with his husband having one kid just like me. The story is quite the same, an immatured husband not sure of what he wants in life… Tita Tita stood by the marriage for a time and finally she realized how much time she had wasted for something that was not worth it… she was very calm and at peace with herself, she told me that God has his own ways and that I have to let go and let God… It is from her that I’ve learned the phrase “when God has asked you to put something good down that means He wants you to pick up something better”
That’s quite inspiring when you know that God has plans for you, you just have to learn to wait. The LSS preparation lasted for 6 to 8 weeks, we would meet up at St. James and activities were prepared for all of us.. After that, a final meet up was organized, I think they call it an encounter with God where you would surrender all your burdens to God and asks for guidance. It was heartwarming, hearing testimonials and wonderful stories how people have transformed and how their lives were touched…
After the grand LSS, we still continued to meet up every Friday after work, just to update each and everyone how life is after the encounter with God. I’ve gained friends from that encounter and it made me realize that my story is nothing compared to the stories of those other people around me.
I’ve learned to accept all the things that I cannot change and change those that I can and finally know the difference.
That’s how I’ve learned the bitter truth… I was always in denial… well I guess it’s part of that stage they call moving on… 1st is denial (been there), 2nd is blaming oneself (been good at it), 3rd is loosing yourself (walked thru it with flying colors) and then 4th is realizing how foolish you are and that is when you need to accept… that’s where I am at that time….
I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ve lost a husband and that he’ll never come back… it was a tough time.
i’ve resorted every means to find my peace of mind. A friend had since convinced me to join a group of people, an LSS group at ST. James Parish in Ayala Alabang. I felt it was just so timely then… The group was then re-grouped to small pax of 4 or 5, my group was headed by Tita Lita whom we called shepherd, we were the lambs (members). Another co-shepherd was Tita (we call her Tita Tita, haha), they say God works in mysterious ways, I guess He does. Tita Tita is also separated with his husband having one kid just like me. The story is quite the same, an immatured husband not sure of what he wants in life… Tita Tita stood by the marriage for a time and finally she realized how much time she had wasted for something that was not worth it… she was very calm and at peace with herself, she told me that God has his own ways and that I have to let go and let God… It is from her that I’ve learned the phrase “when God has asked you to put something good down that means He wants you to pick up something better”
That’s quite inspiring when you know that God has plans for you, you just have to learn to wait. The LSS preparation lasted for 6 to 8 weeks, we would meet up at St. James and activities were prepared for all of us.. After that, a final meet up was organized, I think they call it an encounter with God where you would surrender all your burdens to God and asks for guidance. It was heartwarming, hearing testimonials and wonderful stories how people have transformed and how their lives were touched…
After the grand LSS, we still continued to meet up every Friday after work, just to update each and everyone how life is after the encounter with God. I’ve gained friends from that encounter and it made me realize that my story is nothing compared to the stories of those other people around me.
I’ve learned to accept all the things that I cannot change and change those that I can and finally know the difference.
Monday, February 1, 2010
picking up the pieces
I was just standing there holding my baby... looking at husband walk away... i asked myself if its bye-bye love....
i was always the hopeless romantic and i always believe in happy endings.... so with that i promised myself and daughter that i'd do everything to get husband back...
i started stalking husband being where ever he is, with the help of common friends ofcourse... i would always ask him to accompany me in all my errands.. even during company activities, i would ask him to join me... he ofcourse was reluctant since he said that we were on the process of breaking up a marriage but he could not say no since i would go on my way to pick him up and take him wherever i go..
i made it a point to make him comfortable and gives him whatever he pleases, i started begging for his attention, for his time and for his love... during those times he had no work, so i had to support him until he found a new work... it went well for a while we became friends again, he started sharing his thoughts and dreams again with me... he said that we stay like that for the time being while he was not sure of his feelings yet, he was confused whether to stick out with his family or with that girl...i accepted the set up, sharing him with that woman, trying to compete with a mistress, that went on for a year.... then i realized that i was worth more than that,
i was a wife and a mother.
i was so blinded with my intentions of getting him back that i forgot to love myself first, i forgot to see myself as a person, i've lost my self confidence and started hating myself in the process...
i was always the hopeless romantic and i always believe in happy endings.... so with that i promised myself and daughter that i'd do everything to get husband back...
i started stalking husband being where ever he is, with the help of common friends ofcourse... i would always ask him to accompany me in all my errands.. even during company activities, i would ask him to join me... he ofcourse was reluctant since he said that we were on the process of breaking up a marriage but he could not say no since i would go on my way to pick him up and take him wherever i go..
i made it a point to make him comfortable and gives him whatever he pleases, i started begging for his attention, for his time and for his love... during those times he had no work, so i had to support him until he found a new work... it went well for a while we became friends again, he started sharing his thoughts and dreams again with me... he said that we stay like that for the time being while he was not sure of his feelings yet, he was confused whether to stick out with his family or with that girl...i accepted the set up, sharing him with that woman, trying to compete with a mistress, that went on for a year.... then i realized that i was worth more than that,
i was a wife and a mother.
i was so blinded with my intentions of getting him back that i forgot to love myself first, i forgot to see myself as a person, i've lost my self confidence and started hating myself in the process...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
loosing love
Those were the longest nights of my life, a week of crying and asking myself where i had gone wrong.. I did not stop working by the way, i had to keep myself busy, i had to turn my attention on something otherwise i might loose it... the building where i work has a loft on the 9th floor, during break time or every time i would feel depressed i would go up there and just cry and cry myself out....and after office i would ride a jeep and cry myself out till i reach home not minding the other passengers who would occasionally glance at me... i also had to cry silently and privately at the middle of the night coz i'm avoiding that i would wake up somebody else.. i had no one during those times but myself, i could not tell my friends nor my family what had happened,i could not tell them yet. only my officemates knows what i was going through at those times i'm so thankful that they were very understanding of my situation...
It was only after a week that husband decided to see me.. he was like a stranger already.. he was still seeing the girl according to him and he has no intention of leaving her... he even blamed me for what he has done. he said that i had pushed him to find someone else.. he blamed me for not giving him enough attention.. he blamed me for not loving him as much as the girl was loving him... those words killed me over and over again... as if he had stubbed my heart a million times...
Remembering all these scenes makes me feel the hurt again... Ofcourse, again i begged, for the second time i begged for him not to leave... i begged him not to leave me and our daughter...i did not get any answer.. After that night he stayed with a relative and i was like a fool who followed him wherever he went, i would always call him and asked him where he was or where he's going...i was tryng to save a marriage and a family...i asked him to see our daughter for the hope that he will change his mind... but i guess he was really not meant to stay.
The next day, he said goodbye to Erica. She was just a year old and she didn't know that that day could be the last day that she will ever see her dad again... Husband carried her and hugged her, it was a very painful sight... i was holding back my tears while watching them... How could he leave us just like that.. How could he leave our daughter behind... Where did all the love go, the promises of love and of a good life together... He started walking and never looked back...
It was only after a week that husband decided to see me.. he was like a stranger already.. he was still seeing the girl according to him and he has no intention of leaving her... he even blamed me for what he has done. he said that i had pushed him to find someone else.. he blamed me for not giving him enough attention.. he blamed me for not loving him as much as the girl was loving him... those words killed me over and over again... as if he had stubbed my heart a million times...
Remembering all these scenes makes me feel the hurt again... Ofcourse, again i begged, for the second time i begged for him not to leave... i begged him not to leave me and our daughter...i did not get any answer.. After that night he stayed with a relative and i was like a fool who followed him wherever he went, i would always call him and asked him where he was or where he's going...i was tryng to save a marriage and a family...i asked him to see our daughter for the hope that he will change his mind... but i guess he was really not meant to stay.
The next day, he said goodbye to Erica. She was just a year old and she didn't know that that day could be the last day that she will ever see her dad again... Husband carried her and hugged her, it was a very painful sight... i was holding back my tears while watching them... How could he leave us just like that.. How could he leave our daughter behind... Where did all the love go, the promises of love and of a good life together... He started walking and never looked back...
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